Jamun .. and Fennel Seeds.

 Hi,

 It's been a long long time. 

I am married. within 6 months of courting someone. Crazy,  I know. and within 6 months of marriage, I am pregnant. It's been fast and quite a journey. 

I don't want to think whether it was right or wrong. Heck, I am done judging and questioning myself. I got to know things about myself and my mother. 

I would like to discuss more about it. maybe tomorrow. Today I have just taken a break. 

I am scared, about my kid. Whether it would be a girl or a boy. Whether it would be normal. More shockingly, whether he would be a fair or dark one. I would prefer a boy. Not because I have anything against girls. But God I don't want to be pregnant again. I just don't. I have heard fennel seeds make them fairer, and apparently Jamun makes them darker. I ate both. But there was slight nagging in my head of every bite I took of that fruit.

If its a boy, I don't mind if gets my complexion, as long he is smart, things will be okay, and I really like him to get my genes for height. Men are tall in my side of family. But its a girl, God let her be fair. I don't want her sense of worth to be affected. I know what it did to me. Despite of everything, I have never been truly proud of myself. I cant protect her from the world and the words. I am not proud of feeling this way, but I wish I was so rich, that it didn't matter. Sadly that's not the case. I can accept the fact, I will be in upper middle class category, unless my husband decides to do something about it. As I am already thinking of involving myself for the future and keeping that a priority. If its means giving up on that diamond necklace I wanted or travelling the world, so be it. And no one is responsible for it. Its my decision and I will stand by it. 

I want my child to be happy, as happy it is possible to be in this mortal world. I understand he or she has their own agenda and purpose. I am grateful, that I am chosen to carry him or her. But as a mother its just my wish that they don't have to carry the trauma, that can be avoided. 

My scan will be this Saturday, I hope things go well, I have 6 months to be better. To be a mother, my child deserves. 

In the end I would still prefer eating something that would make me wiser and stronger to fennel seeds. Also, heck I am eating those jamuns!

Love,

Ekta